Love, Lust and other Complications in Life

"Fighting for Peace...

2007-01-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

... is like fucking for virginity". I spotted this statement on a bumper sticker the other day and I found it rather interesting. Think about it, isn't there some truth to what these few words express? A clear contradiction. But, while it seems obvious that through sex one can not achieve virginity, it seems a common idea that peace can be gained by war. What makes us think that?

Besides the political application of this statement, yet again sex and war are put into context. Why? Just to make the slogan appealing? "Sex sells" on a bumper sticker? So often, the most pleasurable thing we can experience is connected to violence. What an irony!

Maybe the problem is, that both peace and virginity are less of a lasting reality in this world as more of an ideal. Both are held as high values, but either one will end eventually, due to human nature. And while for peace that is a tragedy, for virginity that is a necessity, and a pleasure. So let's move on to another bumper sticker, which adresses the same subject: make love not war!

Miles and More

2005-10-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

Do you fly alot? If you do so in Europe, you probably know that the title of this blog is the name of a frequent flier program. Although I am not really up in the air very much compared to others, I find myself frequently above the clouds. So again yesterday. I was on an intercontinental flight, comfortably seated at an exit row, conveniently next to the bathrooms. There I set for 8 hours, wondering what is reallly up with the "Miles High Club".

We all know, a bathroom on a plane, no matter what type it may be, is something like a broom closet. But, whereas a broom closet might be a descrete retreat for some hot action, I can't see the bathroom in the skies be of any good for that. How would you do it? First of all, everybody can see you enter. Ok, it's a night flight and they are all alseep. Second, how will you fit two people in that thing? Well, standing up might work. But now, how the heck will you do it? There is certainly no room anymore to bend over, raise a leg or anything of that matter. Am I just not experimental enough to imagine a position that works?

Is there someone out who actually did it? There is certainly alot of talk about it, but I didn't come across an actual "Miles High Club" member yet. Is it just a myth? An urban legend, a mass-fantasy? And if so, what is the thrill about it?

Let me know if you have the answers to these questions!

The Sex-Appeal of Lederhosen

2005-10-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to Oktoberfest? No? You missing out big time! It is the special season of Munich. In case you don't know what a "Volksfest" is - the Oktoberfest is the biggest worldwide - it is what the American language would descibe best as a fair, or carneval. Alot of rides, alot of food, and of course the beer tents.
Well now, Oktoberfest is different though. For three weeks, Munich is different. Although there are always many tourists here throughout the year, for these three weeks you mainly see Italians. Don't ask me why, but they come, and we like it, it gives our Bavarian capital some southern flair. Of course there are also many Americans visiting, and most would claim to be on a culture trip, or language course, with the goal to learn how to order a beer. Well, education is everything!
Ok, now you got a picture about the tourist situation. What is alot more visible about Oktoberfest time though is that very many Germans will come in traditional cloths. And that is what I like most about this time of the year. Many of the dresses women wear are of questionable taste but, the guys in their Lederhosen are definately sexy! What is it that makes a guy attractive when he wears it? Maybe the soft leather? The shape which underlines males features? Or simply a cultural thing, some basic attraction to your own people? Whatever it is, it makes it worth going to Oktoberfest!

From Sex and the City to Desperate Housewives

2005-09-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

I recently visited an old friend of mine. She is a few years younger, still in college and single. We had a great weekend: party, little sleep, drinks. Perfect! It was a cool, reminding me of my own wild times, which I like to call my "Sex and the City" times, for obvious reasons, and the fact that I used to watch the show. But, as I had to realise, these times are gone for me. For some reason I grew out of it, and I started to wonder if I reached the "Desperate Housewives" time of my life now. This sounds more dramatic as it is, I am neither a housewives nor am I desperate, but I do have a very different life now.

It's interessting looking back, it's fun to dwell on good old times, but I like my life now. It has changed smoothly, it evolved. And just like evolution in biology, evolution of our life can be traced back, but we don't see where it will go.

So... let's hope for a good show!

Forbidden fruits

2005-09-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

I guess most of us know: forbidden things are tempting, they promise a thrill. I am thinking about a special forbidden fruit today: the woman of another man. In particular, I'm wondering what makes guys trying to get a taken woman. Just the thrill? There must be more.

The male's basic reproduction biology is to find many mates. In his body, many sperms are produced, selection for the best partner is not necessary. They grant their success through quantity, not quality.

The primal instinct is to mate often, that's not new. Why mate with a taken woman though? At least in old times, this was a dangerous thing to do. Fights over women were not rare, one often risked his life for some lust.

I see two reasons why men still aim for the taken goal: for one, the competition. If they can have a woman that has another partner, it must mean they are better. And two, the promise of uncomplicated sex, no responsibility - that job will take the other guy.

The first argument shows a typical example of wrongful male logic. Sorry guys, just because you had her doesn't mean you were any good. The second argument though does bear some truth. And so we get back to why men are so promiscuitive in the first place: their basic reproduction pattern: quantity.

Ok women, don't get me wrong: I am not helping to excuse male actions in any way. But it's good to know where things come from. And although our behaviour is based on ancient patterns, we don't have to live like that anymore. That's what we evolved our brain for. So guys, use it!

Does size matter?

2005-06-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Yes I know, this is a very worn out question. But, despite what you might think, I am not talking about a particulary male body part. No, I am talking about something maybe as important to us women: diamonds. Marilyn Monroe already knew: they are our best friends. Well, we wont have to discuss how great their sparkle, and how sexy one feels wearing them. But here is a question: what do we prefer, size or quality? And what does the diamond really stands for? Purity and immortality of love, would a romantic guy answer. Sure... but let's think about everyday life. Isn't it possible that a diamond is very much also a status symbol? If we see a big stone on another woman's hand, do we envy her, are we impressed?

Should we be impressed? Well, maybe, maybe not. It's all about the quality, really. A big stone can be cheap, a pretty small one can cost a year's income. The thing is though, you can't really tell without a magnifying glass. So, if we want to impress, should we choose size? Or does a big ring just makes everyone think it's fake?

I will let each of you make that decision. Balance is always a good idea. And if you are a man in love, trying to find the perfect gift for the one and only woman in your life, here is a little piece of advice: make it big AND pure.

You see... female psychology is sometimes very easy, after all.

PS: You made a perfect choice sweety!

Skinny chicks

2005-01-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

Have you actually ever realised how androgynous models look like these days? Tall as a lighthouse, skinny, wearing a size below 0 and no female curves. Why does that seem sexy to us? Or to whom does it look sexy? Who comes up with nowadays haute-couture?

If we watch old movies with Marylin Monroe, the sex godess of the 60’s, we see a real woman. Psychology teaches us how sexual attraction works on men: they see soft curves in the upper body part (breasts who the female will be able to feed the baby with) and soft curves in the lower part of the body (hips that will allow to give birth to a child). A pear-shape. A man sees curves, he knows this is a woman worth mating with. There is even an index which tells your optimum sexiness: if you have a ratio of 0.7 waist : hips you will attract males the best. This roots in the biological fact that with the begin of puperty the female body starts to depoit extra fat on the hips and not around the waist anymore. Meaning: good hips – good for offspring – succesfull in evolution.

So why in the world would we like to look flat from waist to hips these days? Why would we want to mesure up (or down) to Heidi Klum or Claudia Schiffer sizes? Sure, the growing community of bulimic women is dreaming of their shape. But the question is: why would a woman want to look non-feminine? Who are the trend setters, dictating this fashion? Well, most of them are men, and if we look closer, a lot of the well-known fashion makers are gay. So, it would make sense that the body-index of a model rather matches with a young man then an adult woman. Clearly, if one is sexually orientated towards men, he is not looking for feminine features, but rather androgynous ones. Do we - without knowing it - want to look like guys?

To sum it up ladies: if you are trying to get yourself into a "Maxime" shape, or starving to fit in the "Stuff for men" sceme, consider who you are trying to attract. Heterosexual men are determined to go for curves, by thousands of years of evolution. No catwalk will change that anytime soon. So... bonne appetite!

A Virgin Bed

2004-11-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

Who would’t know the exciting feeling of being in your lover's bedroom for the first time? Everything is of interest in there: things that reveal stories from his past, furniture that expresses his style, the mess under his bed that shows he tried to clean up before you came. All seems a mystery. And the bed…. The playground, the wild fun area, full of little secrets which we actually never want to know. Yep, bedrooms are full of stories.

With time and length of a relationship, we get to know his place. The bedroom, the kitchen, the whole house. And then, one day, we start to feel at home there. And now it is the moment: we make HIS bedroom our territory. And with that, one thing has to change: the bed. This exciting bachelor’s bed needs to go, the many stories it might be able to tell need to dissapear. There can be only one alpha female. And that woman needs to turn the page, start a new chapter in the bedroom with a “virgin bed”. A new playground. With memories of the ONE playmate only.

Yes sweety… furniture shopping is on the agenda!

Make Love Not War: The Story of Sperm and Stress

2004-11-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

Stress is a normal part of our everyday life. The origin of it lies back in our ancient roots, when we needed this mental stage of tension and excitement to be alert, ready to flee predators or hunt prey. Nowadays, rather an anoyment. Is it? Well, we do need some stress, and psychology knows the term “eustress” which means good stress. To keep us focused, busy, alert, successful. But there is the bad stress, “distress”. A continuing tension in us, that ends up making us nervous, unhappy, even sick.

We all know ways to fight the bad stress. A relaxing hot bath, a long walk, good music, and – sex! What is better after a terrible day at work then someone back home who you can get busy with? Don’t we feel all relaxed and happy after it? Yes, sex is a recommended stress reliefer. Who wouldn’t want to take that medicine? And why would you keep people from taking it? I have a special situation in mind. War times. Right now, as we all know, thousands of soldiers are in Iraq. They are kept close together on fenced off bases, far away from their home, families and partners, constantly exposed to a lot of stress. And that for months. Let’s examine what ways of stress relief they have. Take a hot bath? Sorry, no bath tubs. A long walk? Negativ. Good music? Sure, if gun fire counts. Sex? Of course not.

Well, bath tubs and long walks are hard to realize there, the background noise of war not to mute. What could be done about the sex though? Clearly, solitary action has to do, getting busy alone is the deal. But, there is no support for that. No, it is even forbidden to send to them “material with sexual content”. Why? Just an expression of prudishnes? The idea that sex is dirty? We are having a problem here. It seems that men over there are supposed to switch off their testosterone. At the same time, they are wanted to be alert, aggressive, ready to fight. A contradiction – the hormons that run the male agressivenes are closely linked to sperm production and sexuality. Simply said: a fighter is horny. That is another relict of our primitive ancestors: the strongest, fittest, toughest male would be the alpha male, and get the females, produce many offspring. Makes sense for evolution, or at least did back then. As much as some people want to deny our ancient roots, they are here, in every one of us. For a healthy grown up, sex kills tension, calms down, makes happy.

So is “Make love not war” more then a mere hippie-slogan? Is it a scientific fact hidden in a popular flower-power quote? Would soldiers quit fighting if they had sex? I can’t help but wonder...

The impact of the past

2004-10-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

We live in the present. We aim for the future. And we look back at the past. What is more imortant for us? The present can be a very brief moment. The future can be something far away, but the past is with us. Always. Memories linger, experiences remain, mistakes haunt us. A friend of mine used to say “I am who I am because of my past. If my past was different, I would be a different person”. Is that true? Are we just the result of our past? I am not sure about that. Clearly, we do make decisions and they lead us different ways. But many ways lead to Rome, as a saying states, so we can be just the same person even with a different past. For a biological example: birds have wings, insects have wings. Both organism groups evolved them totally independently and in different ways. And now they both can fly. Different past, same present: Flying.

So what to do with the past? Educational people would advise: learn from it. That sounds very smart. And how do we do that? To learn from your past you have to face it. But how dangerous is that? It might be disillusioning, it might be great. Places from the past change, people do for sure, and situations also. Or maybe our memories have altered things so it just appears different now. There is a human mechanism, a psychological tool of ours to help us deal with the past: selective memory. We remember the nice things, the good times, the great moments. Should we disturb that? The quesiton is, what do we really want to see happening when we explore the past, what is there to learn, to face? Do we want to repeat the past? Do we want to avoid repeating it?

Facing the past can be a strong experience. It can bring back memories, feelings, desires. It is like playing with fire. It is exciting, maybe helpful, maybe hurtful, definitely dangerous. Some people will decide to let bygones be bygones. Others will try to come to terms with the past. Either way, it will have an impact on the present. And maybe on the future.

My secret place of innocence

2004-10-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today was sunny and warm, a perfect day which we call “Altweibersommer”, in the English language known as “Indian summer”. I used this great weather to go for a Sunday afternoon walk, strolling along the river that runs through Munich. I always loved to go there, the fast flowing water and many trees make the air fresh and clean, it feels like being out in the countryside. One certain spot there is very special for me. On a path close to the water, underneath a big bridge is a place which has a magic to it that I can’t explain. It is neither a very quiet location nor extraordinary beautiful, but it is distinctly different then any other place in this big town. Clearly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And magic also. Some places do seem to bring out our own magic, they have a certain charm, make us feel special. Don't we all have a somewhere that feels that way to us? No matter if it is in the woods, a certain beach, or a backyard, I am sure most of us know a place which is somehow magical, because of memories, fulfilled or unfulfilled wishes, or just for being a place of daydreams. Woulnd't it be sad not having such a harbor for mystery? When I was little, I decided that my special spot would be the perfect place for my fist kiss. And when I grew older, I thought it would be suitable for even more… romantic and kinky ideas were always part of this site. But nothing ever happened there. This place remained innocent. Today I sat there, wondering why I never took someone here, doing all the things I had planned out. I looked at the water flowing by. I saw people walking past, couples kissing, water birds busily flying around. This was my place to be alone, thinking about past and future. My secret spot, with a certain mystery to it. Maybe one day I will share it with someone, maybe I will always keep it to myself. As my very place of innocence.

Hot or not?

2004-10-23T01:02:00.000-07:00

A simple question, and most people would answer it with “my rating is…” Yep, almost everyone who is more or less involved with online stuff knows of that website. A fashion it seems, to have other people rate our appearance. What for, actually? It is fascinating that we are so interested in having others judge us. Not us as a person, but our looks. Is here the “human animal” taking over our reasoning? Are we trying to be alpha males and females in this online society, depending on random clicks of unknown strangers? If we get a high rating, do we move up in the hierarchy of the virtual community? Well, this is a kind jungle, following rather the law of “live and let live” then “eat and be eaten”. Even if one is doomed with a low rating, there is a kind note that this is still hotter then so-and-so many percent of other users. There is always someone doing worse. What a comfort!

The variety of how people explain why to post their pictures shows very different motivations. Many reasons, reaching from “just for fun” to “looking for that special one”. On an occasion like that, finding your soul mate seems the least likely to be realised. But, everything is possible, I know of people who indeed find lovers there… welcome to online dating! Definitely convenient, and maybe not even so different from going out on a Friday night. In the real world, we dress up and try to look nice because we know as soon as we enter a bar, club or any place we will get rated. Not by an obvious number, but by what we may call the frist impression. One look – we rate.

Maybe with posting a picture on “hot or not” we want to find out for once the hidden rating which everyday life never tells us. I must admit that I am pretty satisfied with my rating (ah, yes, I fell for it too!) and I was actually surprised when I traded my bikini-picture for a fully-dressed one, my rating didn’t suffer! So a smile can still compete with clevage. Even in the brave new world of hot or not.

The truth of words

2004-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

A word is just a word. Is it? Some letters in a row, said out loud. But they are not the same every time, they change with the way we pronounce them. We all know that best by the way our mother would pronounce our name, depending on us being in trouble or not. The possibilities are almost endless in speaking, for typing we have some signs, to make something appear of different meaning. Hello. Hello? Hello! All the same? The Chinese language has taken the meaning of pronounciation to an extreme. Just by the way you speak out a word, it can mean something totally different.

But not only the pronounciation of the word, also languages themselves seem to have different meanings for us. They have a different “music” to it. And we all associate some prejudices with certain languages. German is known for being a “rude” language, English as a sloppy one, French romantic and Italian passionate. And don’t we all know examples to it? For me, a scientific essay read in German sounds just more solid, more scientific. A prejudice, or just conditioning by my own language? A “Ciao bella, amore mia” does have something very sexy to it. Does it only sound to us cool-hearted central-Europeans so hot and passionate? Let’s move on to French. “Je t’aime” melts every heart doesn’t it? Pure romance… yes? What about a “tu m’exite”? Do you think it sounds romantic? Well it means “you make me horny” which – at least for me – would be off romance. But still, it does sound a lot better then the English version… or the German "du machst mich geil".

So the question is: if it comes down to it, do we really fall for WHAT people say or HOW they say it?

Is sex the main ingredient?

2004-10-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I happened to talk with an old friend. It has been month since our last chat, and as usual in such conversations the question "do you have a girlfriend" came up. Well, normally nothing extraordinary, the answer is either yes or no. But, this case is special. My friend happens to be member of a church which does not allow premarital sex. And being very devoted to the terms of his religion, he avoided the pleasures of physical love so far. What would you think now if a person tells you about having a girlfriend but there is no sex? Clearly, for me it does not count to the category "relationship". Should it?

From a biological approach, sexual contact is the physical expression of being a unity, a couple. Not only to produce offspring, but to strengthen the bonds of togetherness and intimacy. Why would you deprive your relationship of these important qualities? Isn't sex one of the main ingredients to a relationship? Sure, you can have the cake without raisins, but it's just not a raisin cake anymore. In the case of voluntarily giving up it is clear for me. One does just not explore the possibilites to the full. But what about if we can't have the raisins? What about long distance relationships? Let's imagine a relationship that has to be apart for a number of month. Not out of a free decision, but through the force of circumstances. Would I call it still a relationship? Of course! Although there is no sex? What happend to the main ingredient? Assuming that there is only a break in intimacy and physical closeness, a healthy relationship bevore and after the time apart, it will still deserve to be called a relationship. We would have a cake where one slice does not have raisins. But clearly it's still a raisin cake.

My very first time

2004-10-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Let me start this blog with something exciting. My first time…. No, don’t jump to conclusions. Although this title may lure you to think it is about the love or lust part of my topics, it rather belongs to life. Life, and the surprises it has for us. I am talking about my first time being stopped by the police. A traumatic experience, happening rather late in life to me, considering I am owning a driver’s license for more then ten years now. Well, as with most things we get ourselves into, I wasn’t totally inocent on this issue. Among my friends I am known as a rather sporty driver, and this must have been the reason for a police car to follow my car at an evening drive downtown. The fact that I misjudged a traffic light for still being yellow did not help much when the police stopped me an the officer knocked on my window. What to do now? There is different kinds of excitement. Having the police checking your ID is one of those I usually don’t seek. Well, being a woman, the best you can do is smile, avoid an argument and hope that charm is a way to keep things under control. It’s also good to keep in mind human behaviourism: it teaches us that in a situation like this – we biologists would call it a predator/prey situation – you are the prey. The police has hunted you down successfully, they were able to satisfy their need of being in power, showing that they are the alpha males. Power, dominance, social status – all this becomes important in that moment. It’s a game, a demonstration. The Human Animal, as ethologist Desmond Morries likes to call us, is set free. Well, since I didn’t have many choices, I played along with my role as being the prey, and payed my ticket. And then, the police officer wished me a nice evening.

So you see… besides living out the pure animal instinct of hunting, this man had shown a spark of human sophisitacion – humor.

Welcome Life!

2004-10-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Untypic for real life, this is a test. Thank you virtual world, here we can have test runs!